So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
