Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
