he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
