He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
