I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
