My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
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I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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