Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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