What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
