Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
