Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you