I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
