I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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