Someone shit on the floor
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
