either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
