you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Randomize
