It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
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the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
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I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize