Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
