onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
