I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
