How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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