So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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