allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
