I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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