Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
