you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
