I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
