things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
