happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
