My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
