I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
