if i can run in heels then i can drive
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
