i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
