your parents love me but you hate me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
