im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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