i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
