I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
