Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I looked at my own cervix.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
