don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"