totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.