he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.