I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?