I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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