I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
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I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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