There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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