I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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