Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
