Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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