Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Pants are for mortals
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
