I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
