There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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