I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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