I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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