The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
