I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
