i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
