last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
