I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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