Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
