i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so let's talk penis.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
