im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
