did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
