I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
