If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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