i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
