tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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